i was reading my older blogs earlier on. they make me cringe. they probably made everyone reading them cringe. oh well.
so while i was on study leave for prelims last week, i realized that i genuinely don't care about school anymore. (i think it was sometime between doing shots off my math book and hanging upside down off my swivel chair and spinning myself around)
i remember when i was in elementary school and i was determined to do amazing in school... but i couldn't tell you why, because i didn't know. i'd spend much longer than needed on homework/projects and i'd be heartbroken if i got less than 100%. maybe a reason i wanted to do so well in school when i was younger was because i knew what i wanted to do with my life. i wanted to be a judge. (every single summer vacation and me, my mum and my little brother would watch judge judy then go to the best fucking artificial beach ever. i miss dallas) i figured being a judge would be easy, since all you had to do was sit and shout at people. then i realized i'd have to get loads of A passes at higher, and i was immediately discouraged (hard work + me = no because i'm a lazy procrastinator)
for a while i wanted to be a journalist, but after watching videos of journalists/the paparazzi fight for even a single sentence from the celebrity they're stalking, i realized i'd be shit at that.
so now i have no idea what i want to do. i think even if i had a little bit of an idea where i want to be in like... 5 years or so then i'd probably do better in school because i'd have a goal, no matter how uncertain it is.