so instead of blogging about how nostalgic i am, or how tired & miserable i am, i'm going to do this; a blog from a-z. lets begin!
apples, the apple company, avenue q, american pie, angus thongs & perfect snogging, aviators, alien, anniversaries, air freshener, ampersand, ardvarks.
i was laying in my bed last night, trying to think of something to write about with the letter a. & i settled on atheism.
i hadn't always been atheist. i come from a catholic family, so for like 13 years i lousily got forced to go to church. and since i now go to a catholic high school, it was mandatory to attend the special masses, whenever they were held. luckily my school are respectful of people who don't believe in god & they don't seem to have a problem with the non-believers silently being respectful. i don't know if it was more so out of laziness than a firm non-believing, but either way i stopped going to mass. in re (which was also mandatory) we learned about christianity, atheism, etc. which made me all the more sure i didn't believe in any of that. in fact, i would sometimes find myself getting annoyed at people who were devout catholics, insisting that they only have a faith, religion, whatever because they need some sort of "force", "supreme being" to blame things on. the death of a love one, for example, would be blamed on god. all the bad things that happen in their life were pinned soley on them. the good things were down to sheer luck.
but as you probably know, i went on a trip to poland. while we were travelling from one hotel to another, we visited the shrine of the black madonna, & we got to go to the top of this massive, beautiful church & look at the stations of the cross. now, before then, all the pictures i had seen of jesus carrying the cross had been angelic & holy, and jesus was happy to do it & smiling. these pictures were grusome & awful. it showed jesus struggling, bleeding, crying. for the first time i didn't see him as some imaginary, saint-like being, who never got anything wrong. i seen him as a person, with emotions & feelings. a person in an incredible amount of pain, who was dying to save us. it was overwhelming & i began to cry. at that point i began to question my atheism, & if i'm actually agnostic. i doubt highly that i am catholic, but agnostic is a possibility.